I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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