My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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