I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So many bounce houses so little time
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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