I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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