oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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