She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize