tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize