Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
