Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
