so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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