I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize