My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
