im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Mom said you looked used
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
