Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
