i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
