Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
