if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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