All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
