Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
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