She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
