Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
