Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The feeling are messing with the penis
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
