No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
