Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
