my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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