Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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