Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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