He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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