Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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