i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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