Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
