i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
