I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
