We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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