tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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