need another drink. this is the easiest way
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
