she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
did i walk over a car last night?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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