I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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