So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
