Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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