she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
