I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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