she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
