Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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