Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
