I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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