you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
