Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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