Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
