I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
