Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
