Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
