theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
