I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
