I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
