When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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