You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ladies don't puke and tell
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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